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read between the lines on valentine’s day

Posted by matthew on 14 Feb 2011 / 13 Comments

photo credit: michelle tribe

photo credit: michelle tribe

In the midst of exchang­ing cards, flow­ers, candy, and trin­kets, let’s all maan attempt to really lis­ten to our loved ones. Lis­ten atten­tively, and pay par­tic­u­lar atten­tion to what’s not being spo­ken just as much as the words uttered. Read between the lines, if you will.

In my opin­ion, there’s a rea­son why so many peo­ple put such an empha­sis on Valentine’s Day pageantry. It’s often because they are look­ing for some sort of val­i­da­tion that’s not pro­vided on all the other days of the year. The day, sadly, becomes filled with tired metaphors and des­per­ate hope for a sig­nif­i­cant other to do or say something…anything…to show that he/she sees the per­son, not merely the role player. A lot of us are guilty of sit­ting around wait­ing for the other per­son to fig­ure us out. In the mean­time, we either go along, or pas­sively aggres­sively drop hints and sig­nals about our true desires.

I chal­lenge every­one in rela­tion­ships, roman­tic or pla­tonic, to dig deeper. Step out of the rou­tine. Find out what really makes your part­ner (or close friend, sib­ling, child or par­ent) tick. You might be sur­prised to dis­cover that that “thing” you thought the per­son loved was politely accepted, but never embraced. It wasn’t their thing…it was yours. We have to get away from sim­ply doing things for oth­ers that we would like for our­selves, and not under­stand­ing what makes the other per­son feel loved and under­stood. As much as you may think you and your loved one are on the same page, there are likely numer­ous occa­sions when you’re not even read­ing the same book. And that’s okay. No one can be every­thing for another per­son, nor should peo­ple expect that from their sig­nif­i­cant others.

If it feels like your sig­nif­i­cant other doesn’t get you, don’t sit pas­sively wait­ing or hop­ing for him or her to have an “Aha!’ moment. Con­versely, if you find your­self think­ing, “I just don’t know what he/she wants,” it just might be time to ask. Don’t let the fear of not know­ing keep you from explor­ing. I can guar­an­tee that there are scores of cou­ples that have been mar­ried for 20+ years, and have reached a point where one per­son (or both) says to the other, “I never knew that about you.”  That hap­pens because peo­ple rely on assump­tions and don’t talk. We fail to acknowl­edge growth and/or change in each other.

So, if you go out for din­ner tonight, why not take the oppor­tu­nity to talk? I mean really talk.  Get beyond the super­flu­ous and ask how you can bet­ter sup­port your part­ner and make him/her feel more loved. If the con­ver­sa­tion is flow­ing, keep it going with a long walk after din­ner. (I would even sug­gest tak­ing long walks every week­end. It’s a good health habit to share, and you’d be sur­prised how much comes up while you’re strolling.)

I wish all of you last­ing love, and mean­ing­ful, reward­ing relationships.

  • In

    Matthew, if I were in church, I’d say PREACH PASTOR!!

  • MarthaK

    That Carla has great taste in men!

  • Danapb

    Excel­lent advice. If I ever have another Valen­tine, I hope to use it. :)

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  • Vic­to­ria Pickering

    A great post! Very bal­anced advice — for both the passive-aggressive one in the rela­tion­ship and to one who doesn’t bother to dig deeper.

  • http://butyoureagirl.com adri­arichards

    I have found, in my case, the guilt of “being too deep” for most guys I’ve dated but now I real­ize they were too shal­low for me. I have friends of both gen­ders who are not only will­ing to engage in deep and mean­ing­ful con­ver­sa­tions online but are com­pletely pre­pared and quite enter­tain­ing offline.

    After talk­ing with some­one, you should feel sat­is­fied, like you had a deli­cious, hearty meal where the aro­mas, tex­ture, fla­vor and pre­sen­ta­tion were every­thing you craved, whether you knew it or not. If you find your­self still hun­gry after a con­ver­sa­tion, I agree it’s time to re-evaluate your favorite din­ner spot.

    The friends I have grown to appre­ci­ate and love in the last few years have shown me, with their actions (and not their words), what the words ‘deep” and “mean­ing­ful” look like and feel like to the point where if I sit down at a restau­rant where the chicken is under­cooked, I won’t even send it back to the kitchen, I get up and leave.

    Well said for mean­ing­ful, inti­mate rela­tion­ships Matthew!

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    :-) Thanks, and I’m sure you’ll put it to use when (not if) needed.

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    You’re too sweet Martha. Thank you.

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    Thanks Adria. I can totally relate to the “being too deep” for peo­ple. I sus­pect the sce­nario you men­tion hap­pens more often to women. A lot of guys say they want a smart woman, but some­times sing a dif­fer­ent tune when one actu­ally shows up. Of course, there has to be a bal­ance between of deep and daffy — some­thing I am work­ing on per­fect­ing. :-)

    I really like your anal­ogy about the meal. Very fitting.

    All the best, and good luck with that per­son that took your breath away. That’s a won­der­ful thing, that shouldn’t have to go away with time.

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    Thanks Vic­to­ria. Years ago, I had a friend open my eyes to my own pas­sive aggres­sive behav­ior. It was hard to face at first; but once I accepted that I exhib­ited the behav­ior, I could begin to work on change. That work proved incred­i­bly ben­e­fi­cial as I entered my rela­tion­ship with Carla.

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    :-) Thanks In. It was great to see you, albeit briefly, last week.

  • Tia Broad­way

    All I can say is, “Wow”. How refresh­ing and on point. Valentine’s Day is every day if it means being thought­ful and con­sid­er­ate of the ones you love.

  • http://www.matthewdlyons.com/ matthewd­lyons

    Thanks Tia. I am often amazed at how some peo­ple make the most sim­ple thing (reg­u­larly show­ing affec­tion in your rela­tion­ship) seem like a chore. We all have day-to-day chal­lenges, but it’s that love and affec­tion that helps you endure — even when the chal­lenges are at home.