feeling a bit defeated
I can’t figure out which one of the terms in the title of this post is most appropriate or fitting. I can’t put my finger on the exact emotion just yet, but I know that I am struggling. Specifically, I am having a hard time with weight management.
To put it plainly — trying different approaches to nutrition and fitness, with no real tangible results is emotionally exhausting. I am seriously trying to ward off “the Fuckits.” (See my first Operation Twenty12 post to understand what that means.)
I started with the idea of ‘going primal,’ a concept developed by Mark Sisson. For one reason or another, I’m still not sure why, I drifted away from the Primal Blueprint. About a month ago, I started doing a little reading on a book by Tim Ferris called The 4 Hour Body. Intrigued by the simplicity, I ordered the book, and have attempted to follow the suggested path for weight loss and fitness. After a few weeks on the 4-Hour Body regimen, I feel no more connected to something that works for me than I did at the beginning of Operation Twenty12.
I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more deflating than to stop on a scale and see no change, or have the numbers increase. W.T.F.? I had a moment this morning where I was on the verge of tears after the digital readout appeared on the scale. I think that having to take my son to school is the only thing that kept me from staying home today. I’m calling in “sick” (with despair). It’s a long road with no end in sight.
Am I being a tad melodramatic? Perhaps. But this shit is real, and it hurts. I mean, really hurts…in a way that I had previously underestimated.
I was bending the ear of a friend at work today about this (I appreciate you listening, Francis), and while talking I was reminded of the point of Operation Twenty12. My goal was not to build Rome in a day, if you will; but, instead, give myself the entire year to make changes, improvements, tweaks, or simply engage in a healthy dose of self love. I have discovered that I am far more accepting of others than I am of myself.
What also came out of my talk with Francis is that I have a rather embarrassing streak of taking the path of least resistance. Though I’m not afraid of hard work, I do seem to find a way to get out of, or dodge, things that require a good dose of physical exertion. Back in 1985, I received an honorable discharge (medical) from the Marines while in boot camp. However, to be honest, I never pushed back too hard against the discharge because boot camp was wearing my ass out. To this day, I still feel like a quitter for not fighting through some legitimate pain to finish boot camp. I think since that time, I have probably only pushed myself once to reach a goal. In May of 2003, I was tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds. I read about the Atkins diet, and jumped in with both feet. I stayed in the Induction Phase throughout the summer, and worked out every day. By the end of the summer, I was down to 238 pounds and felt great. However, my goal was to get down to 200 pounds. I found that no matter what I did, losing more weight was seemingly impossible. Whereas I should have been patient, and transitioned into the second phase of the Atkins diet, I gave up Atkins altogether. I kept most of the weight off for over a year; only gaining seven pounds.
Subsequent to that initial experience with Atkins, I have been unable to replicate the weight loss — usually just a short-term effort. With each attempt and failure, I would get a new case of the “Fuckits!” and put on some more weight. I joined two different gyms. Again, because I have apparently become allergic to hard physical effort, I have resisted working with a trainer, or even joining the free fitness classes at the gym. When it comes to weight loss and working out, I’ve sadly opted with flight in the “fight or flight” choice.
I am sure that I am not the only person who reaches a certain point, stops to looks at his/her body, sighs heavily and thinks, “How in this hell did I get here?” If we are to be honest with ourselves, the answer is usually pretty obvious, but it doesn’t make the sense of defeat any easier to handle. Nevertheless, I am going to do my best to get back into the spirit of Operation Twenty12, and shake off feeling sorry for myself. I know that feeling emotionally and physically defeated can be overcome, but I may need more help that I imagined.
If you have any advice for me, or want to share how you turned dread and defeat into personal victory, please do so in the comments. I want need to hear from you.
I could not be more sympathetic. Believe me. But in the last two months, I’ve quit smoking, lost about 20 pounds (and counting), and have been running regularly. My primary motivation was a health scare (that turned out to be nothing). Without that motivation, I’m not sure I would have made those changes. I’ve been trying for YEARS to live a moderately healthy lifestyle and I feel like it has finally clicked. Granted, fear of death is pretty powerful so, absent that real fear I don’t know what to tell you. On the diet side, though, I can’t say enough good things about Weight Watchers. It’s not a “diet” that requires some unsustainable change (like eating no carbs or drinking juice for two meals a day). It simply, slowly teaches portion control and an appreciation of how heavy certain foods are. And, to me, that’s the key. Weight loss, long term weight loss and maintenance, is a lifestyle change and not a diet. That’s what makes it so difficult. Am I perfect everyday? Of course not. I just went on vacation and ate whatever I wanted for 4 days. Did I gain weight? I’m sure I did. But this is a long term battle and I’m positive I’ll lose it all in the next week.
Hang in there. Give Weight Watchers a look. As long as I’ve stuck to it, it’s always worked.
Thanks Shawn. I really appreciate you commenting.
Motivation is the key. I wonder if I’ve been giving lip service not only to the elements of my Operation Twenty12, but to the idea of motivation itself. There seems to be a disconnect between head and heart. Unfortunately, I fall into a cycle of beating up myself up for things that I can control.I hadn’t thought about Weight Watchers, but given the feedback I just may.
Thanks again!
Best of luck to you! And to reiterate what Richard said… it is important to have that one day a week where you DO just say “fuck it” and eat whatever. I’ve done that almost every week and, as a whole I still end up losing weight that week. As long as its only one day. And I think that’s what I like about Weight Watchers. You can eat whatever you want. Want a Five Guys burger? Go for it. Just realize that will be more than half the food you’re supposed to eat for an entire day. Did you work out? Good, you’ll get more points you can use for food that week. And, slowly, you’ll start getting rid of things from your diet all on your own. You’ll see how many points white bread is and you’ll start to avoid it. You’ll also stop drinking your points. I used to drink a LOT of Arizona Iced Tea. The problem is, it’s 7 points per glass. Even though I get around 50 points per day to eat, 7 points is a lot for one glass of iced tea. So I stopped drinking it. Slowly but surely, it starts to change your perception of food.
Matthew — I feel your pain. I am exactly like you in the department of physical exertion. I’ve even convinced myself that I hate exercise. I had no idea you had joined the Marines way back when. I’d have never made it a week of boot camp.
Shawn’s advice about WW is sound, I think. My parents did it and it was very effective and my Mom has been after me ever since to get on it. Seems to be working for Barkley.
I did Body for Life about 11 years ago. Got the book and read it cover to cover (along with a book called ‘Super Foods’). I followed the BFL plan to a T for about two months and shed 15 pounds rather easily. Work got crazy and I got off the plan. Not sure why I didn’t get back on. Maybe it could work with you in conjunction with WW because both are about changing your lifestyle but not all that radically so. The BFL plan in a nutshell: eat six small, balanced meals a day, lift weights 3x per week (takes about 25–30 mins), cardio 3x per week (about 20 mins). If memory serves, one day per week you are encouraged to eat whatever you want while not going crazy. Don’t eat a whole pizza or an entire tub of ice cream, for example. A very sensible and easy plan.
I think maybe the most important advice I would offer is this: don’t set a goal of losing a certain amount of weight. Simply set a goal of sticking to a plan for four weeks. If you can do that, then make a new goal of six weeks or eight weeks. Get that done and set the next goal longer, and so on. Before you really know it, you’ll have changed your lifestyle to what you want and you’ll notice the positive change in your body that you are looking for. If I recall, Body for Life does not encourage you to lose x number of pounds. It’s more about getting fit. Oh, and if you can find a work out partner, that can be very effective in keeping each other accountable.
I hope some of this helps.
Rich
Thank you Rich. I suspect that you are 100% spot-on about the goals piece. Take baby steps instead of only settling for a giant leap. Probably not unlike many, or most people, I set a large goal. When progress toward the goal is painfully slow, or seemingly unobtainable, a sense of defeat or disillusionment sets in That, in turn, leads to quitting or (sigh) self-destructive behavior. I never really thought about it, but I, unknowingly, punish myself with food by eating terribly when the goal appears completely out of reach.
The kicker, for me, is that I know better — intellectually. As I mentioned in my comment to Shawn, it’s as if there’s a disconnect between my head and my heart. I don’t know what it is. I think that I see people and think (read: wish) that I had their physique. I know that’s not a good place to start. It’s one thing to admire someone’s health or physique, but it’s another thing entirely to compare myself and feel failure when I can’t go for where I am to where they are — particularly when I don’t think about the work it took for them to get/stay there.
I will give Weight Watchers a look. Truth be told, I am probably suffering from diet fatigue. This, regrettably, leads to that rather self-destructive “fuckit” behavior of eating garbage to oddly stick it to failure. It’s dumb, I know, but that’s what’s happening. It’s probably better to at least acknowledge the behavior so that I can address, than to hide it — and the empty Ben & Jerry’s containers.
I really appreciate the feedback and support. It means a lot!
Hi Matthew! Your post touched me because I am in the same place at the moment. Four years ago I lost 50 pounds with weight watchers and the help of a trainer. And then my ex-husband died and my family went into a tail spin. Understandably my focus was on my children and not myself — and 2 years later the weight was back. I beat myself up about it all the time — especially now that I’m their only parent, and I know I need to get healthier.
Here’s the thing. I know WW works for me because I can eat what I want — as long as I count it. I just need to get into the groove again and I haven’t had much success. One of my good friends is a hypnotherapist, and I even asked her if it was possible to hypnotize me to like exercise more! Ha! I’ll let you know how that goes.
You’re brave to put your struggles in print, and that’s got to be a good first step. Your candor has inspired me. In August all three of my kids will be off to college, and my time will be my own — to schedule workouts — and stop saying I’m too busy. But I’m not going to wait til August. Baby steps. And asking others for support. You have mine!
Karen Weaver