doing something worth repeating
I have been reading Sir Kenneth Robinson’s book The Element over the last couple of weeks. It is a great book about finding, and honoring, your true passion. Interestingly, I have seen the Aristotle quote above at least three times in the last week. I’m not necessarily one to assume fate or “things happen for a reason,” but I must admit that after the second or third sighting the meaning of the quote started to sink in. I have yet to figure my passion. I certainly don’t think, or want, what I currently, repeatedly, do to define me.
I work hard — repeatedly. However, I think that there’s a pretty bright line between doing something out of a sense of responsibility and doing something because of passion. Don’t get me wrong, I think that doing your best on your job is definitely something worth doing. It’s just not the same as working, even toiling, on something that is driven by love or an inner fire. Put plainly — passion. Perhaps I am writing this carefully so as not to lose my job (chortle); but, honestly, the more that I think about discovering my true passion, the less concerned I am with job security. I say this because I firmly believe that once I discover or realize what makes me tick, the pieces will come together. I will be off and running.
I have been slowly working my way through Robinson’s book because I feel like I have spent a lot of time daydreaming about becoming a full-time photographer. My interest has waned, rather significantly, over the past year, or so, though. I touched on this a bit in my Operation Twenty12 piece at the beginning of the year. A full nine months later, if I’m being honest with myself, I am probably even further away from than that daydream than I have been since first picking up a camera about eight years ago. The most telling sign is that I rarely pick up a camera any more just to shoot. I have tried to determine whether I am simply taking an easy exit. Is becoming a full-time photographer just too much work, and I’m being lazy? I don’t think so.
I truly believe that we will make, or put in, the effort for something we care about. I am unwilling to force myself to follow a particular path simply because I once thought it was “the thing.” I couldn’t care less about what others think about me changing my mind. Ok…that’s not true, but I’m getting there. You know how it is when you proclaim something? Everyone wants to hold you to that thing, and some are oddly intractable about your dream. The glass half full view is that people see something in you, or your work. They think that you’re skilled or proficient at that particular thing. Here’s the rub, though. If you’re not passionate about what you’re doing…why bother? An Elbert Hubbard quote came to mind.
I am pretty certain that what dogs me the most is the idea that I am 46 years old and haven’t discovered, realized, or acknowledged my true passion. It seems like so many things interest me, yet not singular thing repeatedly draws me back. This may not be true, and I may need to learn how to tune in into my heart.
One of thing that seems to be quite clear is that I am truly struggling to find my “thing.” I am not merely looking for an escape from something I don’t like or work, generally. It is as if I am hungry but don’t know what to eat. I know, at this point, that I don’t want filler. I want substance. It is very unnerving trying to figure out just what will fill this void. It is hard to say that I am stuck in a rut, because my destination is not defined. The path to discovering my true passion is pretty much free to explore. As the father of a high school senior, it probably goes without saying that I have responsibilities and concerns about my son’s next steps (college) and future. However, I don’t see being a good parent and unearthing what will satiate my creative spirit as being mutually exclusive. In fact, I would like to think that my son would benefit from seeing me follow my heart and not accept living a life of cramming square pegs into round holes.
Surprisingly, I don’t really suffer from the more routine fear of failure, because you can’t fail at something you never start. At this point, my biggest fear is just that — never starting. I have to figure this out! I have reached a point, though, where I no longer want to make announcements or Aha! proclamations. No, I would much rather go about honing in on something that I just can’t do without, quietly, and make a habit of doing that thing repeatedly — and excellently.
So, Matthew, maybe the camera is just a vehicle put into your hands to help you “see” your passion?
I went over to Java Shack to look at your photos. Of course I loved them, not just because they were yours, but because everything was so clear and sharp and so well framed. Thought the wide variety of your subject was interesting and came away wondering which type of subject you most enjoyed shooting. I’m going to go back on the blog and read your January post.
Thanks Martha. I strive to be good at the things I do take an interest. I think when you’re not doing something that you’re truly passionate about, you can’t help but wonder if something that does capture your imagination is what you’re meant to do. For a good while I thought that it was photography, but I now think less so.
Nevertheless, I appreciate you going over to Java Shack to check out my images!
Matthew, I am in the exact same situation. Like you, I was heavy into photography for a while. In fact, I believe that’s how the two of us came to know each other, online anyway. But, also like you, I haven’t really picked up my camera in a long time. I simply don’t feel like it. I was really passionate about it for a while. As you may or may not remember, I even took a few months off work, traveled to the Middle East and tried to make a living out of photojournalism. It didn’t work. I’ll always cherish those months… they were amazing. But now, I never feel like picking up a camera.
This led to the obvious question… Did my failure lead to my apathy? I’ve thought about this long and hard and I really don’t think that’s it. I’m simply not passionate about it anymore.
And, again like you, I feel like I’m searching for my next “thing”, my next great passion. But I’m struggling. I’m going in a million different directions, chasing a million little projects and ultimately getting frustrated by not getting very far with any of them. One week I want to put effort into re-learning the guitar, then I want to be a writer, then I want to put even more energy into my day job. Instead, I am stagnating and end up feeling like I’m missing something.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), I actually love my day job. I really can’t complain. I’m very comfortable financially, the work is challenging and fun, and the people I work with are pretty great. I don’t have any children so, apart from making sure the bills are paid, I have no real responsibilities. This sounds great (and it is) but I say that it may be unfortunate because part of me thinks that if I hated my job, I’d be more likely to make a change or really find my passion. But I don’t. So I continue. I’m enjoying myself but I’m not living passionately.
I suppose that’s the ultimate first-world problem, eh? At any rate, I totally get where you’re coming from. I wish there was an answer.
Hang in there, Matthew. A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind. –Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Thanks Sheila. I am familiar with that quote. Quite apropos.
Thanks for the response Shawn. I don’t know if it’s a misery loves company thing, but it helps to know that I’m not the only one out here trying to put a finger on just what we are meant to do. Maybe I should head Shaw’s admonishment.
I do, indeed, remember your trip to the Middle East. I recall sending you an article from PDN Magazine on how to secure photojournalist gigs with NGOs.
I, by no means, hate my jobs. The people that I work with are very nice, and the work can be interesting. Regrettably, it’s just not something that I am passionate about doing.
I smiled broadly at the notion of this being a “first world problem.” So true…so true. Nevertheless, I will continue in my pursuit of my creative pilot light. It needs to be ignited and given a steady source of fuel. Ok…enough with the metaphors. Thanks for your comment!!
Matthew — I’m wondering whether you may actually be close to finding your passions but they are the amorphous kind — like a passion for communication or for creativity. If that is true, then photography, or writing this blog, for example, are merely techniques used to carry out the passion, and it is natural to experiment with a wide variety of techniques and cycle back and forth between them. In this case, the fact that you are interested in a wide variety of things is actually an advantage rather than a disadvantage.
Also, I think that it is generally tough to try to make a passion and a way to earn a living be identical — for many passions, it isn’t practical, and for some passions, it can even take the joy out of it. So I generally think the day-job + side passion works best for most people, although maybe this is me being too practical and conservative.
Best wishes!
I have wondered if the creative fire is fueled by the expression itself, and less by the means. As you said…communication. I love to write, and often look at vlogs and podcasts with envy. “I would love to do that.” I think to myself. I guess the real question is, Why not? That’s something I need to explore.
I posted something a while back about pursuing a passion, while keeping the “day job.” It was punctuated with a video by my friend Gary Vaynerchuk.
I think you and Gary are on to something. Finding, pursuing, and/or engaging in your passion doesn’t have to be, or at least start, with jettisoning your day job. I’d love to have the luxury of doing just one, preferably the former, but I, too, am practical and a bit conservative. Hopefully, the day will come when following the passion will take care of everything else.