my name is not matt

This post is really a first-person account. Regrettably,  I have spent a good part of my life working around problems, often not solving them — let alone discovering the genesis of friction and strife. Unfortunately, the rather toxic byproduct of this behavior can be resentment and frustration. I think going through a divorce caused (read: forced) me to take a long look at my behavior. It’s so easy to say it was the other person’s fault; but the real work comes when you take a look in the mirror, figuratively.  What did I do, or what have I done to create problems in my relationship? Interestingly enough, a lot of us are willing to have that internal query. We usually go off in one of two directions — denial (most common) or admission.

I think the hazards of denial are pretty obvious, so I won’t dwell on that. I would offer that an admission, without a commitment to introspection, humility and hard work, can be just as threatening to a relationship as denial.

Again, speaking first hand, I had to look at my pattern of admitting problems and thinking, “Viola! Problem solved.” I wasn’t even aware that my logic was, if I admitted that I had a problem my significant other should take the victory of the admission. For a lot of people, acknowledging a problem exists is a huge hurdle. Thus, I think when people finally ‘fess up, they feel the weight has been lifted. No longer do they have the burden of hiding that issue. When the problem arises, post-admission, the excuse given to the significant other often is something akin to, “Well, I already admitted that’s a problem for me.”  There is a reason why admission of a problem is the first step on just about every recovery program in existence. Without acknowledgement that a problem exists, you cannot really move on to examining the root cause(s) of the problem, as well as figuring out a path for moving forward. I’m careful not to say move past a problem because so many of us want to merely  move around or circumnavigate a problem instead of doing the hard work of moving through emotional obstacles.

What we all need to realize is that saying, “I have a problem.” is not the end…it’s just the beginning. It’s a bit like energy transference to throw out a problem and act like it’s now the other person’s burden.  To be fair, a lot of us aren’t really equipped to know how to move past admission. That’s why I am a big proponent/fan of counseling. One of the most important things I’ve learned in counseling, both individual and couples, is to truly examine the problems, anxiety, or fears come from. I try to stop and think, Where is this fear/anger/anxiety coming from? Where in my body do I feel that emotion? I try to  back away from what could be an argument and sit quietly. This is particularly useful when your blood is boiling, because it’s really important to understand why something or someone could make you that angry. So often, we think the problem is the significant other, when she or he may merely be reflecting a part of ourselves that is the real menace.

I don’t have all the answers, nor do I yet consistently follow my own advice. I do know, though, that once I made an effort to get past merely making admissions,  stopped blaming others for my “stuff,” and put in the work, a number of problems and fears that have plagued me for most of my life became inconsequential or non-existent. Now, I hope that it goes without saying that there has to be a commitment by both parties in a relationship to move through problems. The health of a relationship hinges on there being a safe place where either individual can bare their soul. Without that security and trust, the person with a problem is likely to become defensive and recalcitrant.

I wish all of you nothing but peace and harmony in your lives and relationships. However, life being what it is, there will be friction with others. Just remember admission is a big step, but it’s truly just the first one on a journey toward emotional repair and recover.  Good luck!